I am deep in my Christmas works so my days are busy, I buy or make something for everybody.  And the family is getting bigger year by year so I might have to stop that but that is going to be so difficult to stop.  Maybe once my mother dies, we won’t see one another as much and that will be the end of that.  I heard in families, that is what happens.  My brothers who live pretty far have already said that they won’t come back to town when my mother has passed on.  So every year, fearing it’s the last one, I just go on and give a little something for everybody.   My father has been in the hospital since November and he is still there, but they don’t live together anyway, they are divorced so it doesn’t change anything really.

I have started to make a homemade calendar  for everybody, and I just finished the one for this year.  I just take it to Staples to have it photocopied, as it is only a 8.5 by 11 so it is easy to have it finished.  I don’t know if it is any good but people will tell me, I ‘m sure.  They said they liked last year’s.

But life goes on and things change and hopefully all for the better. I have people to write to and keep in touch with.  They must think I have fallen to the bottom of the earth, the last couple of months.  But not to worry, all will be well again.

Sometimes, it is hard to stay on top, I was just bobbing along, trying not to be too depressed and especially trying to stay hopeful against everything that has happened.  But some days, it was just enough to make the meals, clean a little and then call it a day.  Like last night, I slept only about three hours, stayed a long time on the computer, went back to bed at four or five o’clock, tried to fall asleep again but it didn’t work.  So it is hard to be the best I can be right now lol.    But I do have happiness in me that bubbles unexpectedly; I am hopeful, I am grateful, so many things to give thanks for every day.  I have my health, I have my cat, I have clothes and shelter, really I do live in a beautiful house all paid for.  So there is nothing to complain about.  If only I could sleep!

And my creativity is back, I find myself creating cards for everybody I can think of.  Any excuse to be able to send a homemade card to somebody, I’ll do it.  Right now, I am working on a birthday card to my brother in France.  I decorate the whole envelope on both sides, and then I get to the card itself.  Lots of time, however, I just stare at it for a long while trying to figure out what I am going to draw.  It is fun, frustrating sometimes, but always rewarding. 

And I also bought myself a book, with empty pages, that  I called “My little book of doodles”  and I try to doodle every day  in it.  It lets the craziness out and gives me a lot of practice.   And while I am doing that, time flies and it keeps me in a little bubble of happiness which is delightful.  I forget my problems, I get enthusiastic, eager to do it some more every day.    So it is very good for me and to me.  Let’s hope it is going to last and last. 

And that’s my work for today, I am trying to go back to bed and maybe sleep and perchance, dream.  Good night.

to trust

myself, the others

the Universe

that whatever is happening

is exactly what

should happen

and if there is a reason

behind my actions

maybe I’ll find it myself soon

but freedom sings through my heart

like a haunted melody.

The people we were going to see were very interesting, at least I can give them that.  It was a full weekend , good food and good company.  But are they going to be able to achieve what we want, only time will tell.  For my part, I do not believe so and I wish I was only free already.  My husband is trying desperately to save our marriage, but I feel as if I was gone already.   As I said, only time will tell but at least, this will be the end.  If this does not work, it will be a separation and I can hardly wait to be done with all that and start my life over.  Enough is enough.

But I find joy in everything anyway.   Once I lose that cold, I will start taking long walks again, I need it so bad.  I want to work on the weight issue, now that it is almost summer, it’s the best time to work on that.  And it’s even better than summer, because it’s not as hot. 

So there are good days coming, let them come.

This might be the only time I might be alone this week.  I think it will be one of the hardest week of my life, for all kinds of reasons.

But I want to stay positive, think positive and think that all is well that will end well.  I have had a rough time over the weekend but it is not helping me to cry and be depressed.  I thought I was going to eat without end, and even though I did not gain that much, I am still all swollen and feeling kind of crummy.  Why do I not learn this doesn’t help at all?  And makes it even harder.  Sometimes I think I should go for a little fast, just to feel empty and start over.  It is a possibility.

I will be going away Wednesday to Friday late.  I am kind of scared, we’ll be going to some kind of retreat and I am not looking forward to it.  If I would be all alone, I would welcome it.   But things happen for a reason and I will try to be reasonable.  More will be revealed as time goes by.  I need all the luck I can have.  

I think I am realizing that I’m not worth much these days.   And yet, I’ve been trying hard, there has been a lot of work done already, it has been hard but fun too. There is a lot more to be done, but I have to work on the fear that doesn’t leave me.  I go three steps, and then go back two.  It’s hard work.   But you know what, I will get there and sooner than I think!

He called my sister on Saturday morning, so that she could come and get him.  He had tried to run away the night before but of course, all the doors were locked.  He told her that they were crazy over there.  My sister has been a saint with him; she has been doing his groceries for a couple of years, since he wasn’t able to do it himself.  She also took care of all his business, making sure the bills are paid, and going to his house often when something was wrong.    When he got sick, she went to his place, called up the ambulance and stayed with him all afternoon and she also missed a lot of work so she could be there.  But I guess she blew up at him this time and I cannot blame her.

This is the man who has made our youth a kind of a hell, scaring us and keeping us at home.   I was able to run away at 21 years old, but it’s no wonder that I am such a scaridy cat, I find it so hard to assert myself.  I have the ‘disease to please’ and sometimes, will do anything so nobody gets mad at me.  I am trying to be braver but it’s tough.  And I admire my sister’s courage to be able to assert herself.  Bravo!  Nobody has ever done that, we were too scared of him to try to talk to him like normal people.  So we spent a lot of time in our rooms so we wouldn’t be the one that he would get mad at.    He was an alcoholic if that would explain it, and he would rant and rant at us.  Even my mother didn’t dare say anything.     

So, now this afternoon they are going to have a meeting with my brothers, my sister won’t be there this time and I am away also.  My father has decided that he is going home again, no matter what and they cannot force him to stay.  So they are going to have this meeting so that they can organize how things are going to be when he gets home.  He cannot even walk up the steps to his home, it is very scary to know that he is doing this against all advice.  He cannot walk very well, as he has a lot of pain in his legs.    I have mixed feelings about this, as he is an old man now, but he is still as stubborn, or more, than  before.   He poo-poos the doctors, insults them so I bet they will be happy to see him going home.  But they are such professionals, I always admire the way they try to deal with him.   

There is, of course, a lot more to it than this, but  that is all for now.  But my sister is the first one to try and reason with him, and I still say Bravo.   I don’t even know if I would be able to do it myself.

I have been busy making lists of positive things in my life, and most of it is good.  But there are areas that need help and quickly.  A day at a time is a good way to go but my fears are so hard to work on.  I should just leap and trust the Universe, but I get to the end of my rope and then, I back up a bit.  It is so hard to take that leap of faith that I need.  And yet, I know once I have done it, everything will be more than fine. 

I think it’s from waiting too long between the dream and the action of doing it.  That is what’s missing: the action.  Meanwhile, the fears come out if you stress yourself out too long and I’ve always been a scaridy cat anyway, I cannot deny it.

I’ve been praying and meditating, seeing life as the miraculous event that it is, and I know soon I will turn into the butterfly that I should be and spread my wings.  I hope I won’t be too old to enjoy it.

There  is something to be said about life as usual.  The little routines, the things you have to do to get through a day, all the familiar stuff, seems pretty boring sometimes.  But it’s also nice to know what is going to happen day after day.

However, it’s also wonderful to get out of your rut, do something completely different once in a while, go beyond the path you take everyday.  So I guess I like a little bit of both, my little routine and once in while, something wild or at least unexpected that makes me feel I am alive and a bit nuts.

But it doesn’t happen often enough,  I have to try and be more spontaneous, I have to let it out (whatever  ‘it’  is) more often.  I have to say yes  to life with a ‘why not’ attitude.  Something to ponder as I go for my walk.

Am I starting to wake up?

Is it gradual, and temporary,

Or will I feel eternity?

I want to live for myself,

even if I don’t know how.

Will the road rise up before me,

and then show me eternity?

It is scary to wake up on your own

and try to figure out everything again

in a magical and wondrous way.

But I have to feel eternity, once again.

“Sometimes old things need to go away.  That way, we have room for the new things that come into our lives.”       Randy K. Milholland

My life is turning me around these days, and a lot of fears keep creeping up and maybe it is time I should do something about it.  And yet, I have more strength than I thought, I know in my heart that everything will be okay and more than okay, just wonderful.  I am grateful for old friends, brand new friends,  and my family is behind me all the way.  What more can I ask for? 

Soon, it is going to be the beginning of a new life and I am very excited and hopeful.  We’ll leave the past behind and live for the present moment.  Who knows what waits for me?  I want to live completely and full of gratitude.  Ah… maybe I am wearing rose tinted glasses, but I don’t care; they fit me well.