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Archive for April, 2009

Big Sister

Last night, I had a call from my little sister.  She went to see my dad in the hospital;  he’s been there for about four months.  And he has been the most awful person for the doctors, nurses, and therapists, I don’t know how they can still be talking to him.  And even the Social Worker there said that it is very rare that they have such a crotchety man, she told my sister that he is a challenge at all times.   He won’t cooperate with anything, except eating of course.   They wanted him to go to Senior Citizen place, since he is very sick and needs oxygen and a lot of care.  But of course, that was his choice to make.  He was in rehab over there, he needed to learn to walk again, and get stronger.  But he hasn’t wanted to go to the sessions, or do much of anything.    

He called my sister on Saturday morning, so that she could come and get him.  He had tried to run away the night before but of course, all the doors were locked.  He told her that they were crazy over there.  My sister has been a saint with him; she has been doing his groceries for a couple of years, since he wasn’t able to do it himself.  She also took care of all his business, making sure the bills are paid, and going to his house often when something was wrong.    When he got sick, she went to his place, called up the ambulance and stayed with him all afternoon and she also missed a lot of work so she could be there.  But I guess she blew up at him this time and I cannot blame her.

This is the man who has made our youth a kind of a hell, scaring us and keeping us at home.   I was able to run away at 21 years old, but it’s no wonder that I am such a scaridy cat, I find it so hard to assert myself.  I have the ‘disease to please’ and sometimes, will do anything so nobody gets mad at me.  I am trying to be braver but it’s tough.  And I admire my sister’s courage to be able to assert herself.  Bravo!  Nobody has ever done that, we were too scared of him to try to talk to him like normal people.  So we spent a lot of time in our rooms so we wouldn’t be the one that he would get mad at.    He was an alcoholic if that would explain it, and he would rant and rant at us.  Even my mother didn’t dare say anything.     

So, now this afternoon they are going to have a meeting with my brothers, my sister won’t be there this time and I am away also.  My father has decided that he is going home again, no matter what and they cannot force him to stay.  So they are going to have this meeting so that they can organize how things are going to be when he gets home.  He cannot even walk up the steps to his home, it is very scary to know that he is doing this against all advice.  He cannot walk very well, as he has a lot of pain in his legs.    I have mixed feelings about this, as he is an old man now, but he is still as stubborn, or more, than  before.   He poo-poos the doctors, insults them so I bet they will be happy to see him going home.  But they are such professionals, I always admire the way they try to deal with him.   

There is, of course, a lot more to it than this, but  that is all for now.  But my sister is the first one to try and reason with him, and I still say Bravo.   I don’t even know if I would be able to do it myself.

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So new here

I am such a new blogger that I don’t know how to make a link or how to enter my categories.  It is going to come but it really is a good thing that I don’t have many comments yet.  Maybe I should be worried but as they say “Appetite comes while eating” so I’ll figure things out later.

I have been busy making lists of positive things in my life, and most of it is good.  But there are areas that need help and quickly.  A day at a time is a good way to go but my fears are so hard to work on.  I should just leap and trust the Universe, but I get to the end of my rope and then, I back up a bit.  It is so hard to take that leap of faith that I need.  And yet, I know once I have done it, everything will be more than fine. 

I think it’s from waiting too long between the dream and the action of doing it.  That is what’s missing: the action.  Meanwhile, the fears come out if you stress yourself out too long and I’ve always been a scaridy cat anyway, I cannot deny it.

I’ve been praying and meditating, seeing life as the miraculous event that it is, and I know soon I will turn into the butterfly that I should be and spread my wings.  I hope I won’t be too old to enjoy it.

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Life as usual

A most beautiful day today, a day for a good walk.  The grass is getting greener by the minute, I see robins playing on the lawn.  I can barely wait for the lilacs to come; I know it’s going to be a little while yet but it’s coming.  I also see the little truck of the mailman on the other side of the road, it’s life as usual.

There  is something to be said about life as usual.  The little routines, the things you have to do to get through a day, all the familiar stuff, seems pretty boring sometimes.  But it’s also nice to know what is going to happen day after day.

However, it’s also wonderful to get out of your rut, do something completely different once in a while, go beyond the path you take everyday.  So I guess I like a little bit of both, my little routine and once in while, something wild or at least unexpected that makes me feel I am alive and a bit nuts.

But it doesn’t happen often enough,  I have to try and be more spontaneous, I have to let it out (whatever  ‘it’  is) more often.  I have to say yes  to life with a ‘why not’ attitude.  Something to ponder as I go for my walk.

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Eternity

I was living in a foggy dream.

Am I starting to wake up?

Is it gradual, and temporary,

Or will I feel eternity?

 

I want to live for myself,

even if I don’t know how.

Will the road rise up before me,

and then show me eternity?

 

It is scary to wake up on your own

and try to figure out everything again

in a magical and wondrous way.

But I have to feel eternity, once again.

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Rose Tinted Glasses

Days seem to go too fast, and I am neglecting my little blog.  But I had of lot of life giving me a roll the last few weeks.  And I might have made decisions based more on fear than real need, but live and learn.  I think it will end up being all right all the same.  I feel stronger than before, but it took so many years to get there.   Many years, many years.

“Sometimes old things need to go away.  That way, we have room for the new things that come into our lives.”       Randy K. Milholland

My life is turning me around these days, and a lot of fears keep creeping up and maybe it is time I should do something about it.  And yet, I have more strength than I thought, I know in my heart that everything will be okay and more than okay, just wonderful.  I am grateful for old friends, brand new friends,  and my family is behind me all the way.  What more can I ask for? 

Soon, it is going to be the beginning of a new life and I am very excited and hopeful.  We’ll leave the past behind and live for the present moment.  Who knows what waits for me?  I want to live completely and full of gratitude.  Ah… maybe I am wearing rose tinted glasses, but I don’t care; they fit me well.

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Let Go

How hard to be with you,

speaking our minds.

Wish I would never

see you again.

But we`re having

another go at it,

for the hundreth time.

How long do you have

to try and try again.

Letting go would be such release.

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Gratitude

I have been reading a lot about gratitude on the net lately and it makes me, well, so grateful. I believe it is such a great part of being happy. I have read that underneath the world is a feeling of joy that is bubbling over but it is so hard for us to relate to it. We think that our problems are too big, and we worry so much about the past and future that we don`t realize that if we just could let ourselves go, the Universe would show us the way.

I am so grateful for my life, and since I have been sick, life is sweeter than ever. Do I have still have problems, of course, and even sometimes I spend a sleepeless night or two, but that is all temporary. I go for a walk and then I always get thankful and realize nothing is as bad I thought it was. I let the trees whisper to me; I love trees. I let the sky tell me its story with moving clouds, especially if the sun is setting; all the wonderful, beautiful colors make me heart sing. Who wouldn`t be grateful for all this?

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