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Archive for May, 2009

MAYBE

I have to find the way

to trust

myself, the others

the Universe

that whatever is happening

is exactly what

should happen

and if there is a reason

behind my actions

maybe I’ll find it myself soon

but freedom sings through my heart

like a haunted melody.

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I am back

Well, I’m back.  With a brand new cold, I hope it is not swine flu!  The day is beautiful but all I am thinking about is going back to bed, which is a shame.   The leaves have grown, they’re just babies on some of the trees but the sight of them just thrills me.  I guess it doesn’t take much to make me happy, okay it might be a cliche but nevertheless it is true.   The hostas are growing so much, I love them.   They always look good, but take minimum care, what’s not to love?

The people we were going to see were very interesting, at least I can give them that.  It was a full weekend , good food and good company.  But are they going to be able to achieve what we want, only time will tell.  For my part, I do not believe so and I wish I was only free already.  My husband is trying desperately to save our marriage, but I feel as if I was gone already.   As I said, only time will tell but at least, this will be the end.  If this does not work, it will be a separation and I can hardly wait to be done with all that and start my life over.  Enough is enough.

But I find joy in everything anyway.   Once I lose that cold, I will start taking long walks again, I need it so bad.  I want to work on the weight issue, now that it is almost summer, it’s the best time to work on that.  And it’s even better than summer, because it’s not as hot. 

So there are good days coming, let them come.

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Decisions

“Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth.  A Course in Miracles.’

This might be the only time I might be alone this week.  I think it will be one of the hardest week of my life, for all kinds of reasons.

But I want to stay positive, think positive and think that all is well that will end well.  I have had a rough time over the weekend but it is not helping me to cry and be depressed.  I thought I was going to eat without end, and even though I did not gain that much, I am still all swollen and feeling kind of crummy.  Why do I not learn this doesn’t help at all?  And makes it even harder.  Sometimes I think I should go for a little fast, just to feel empty and start over.  It is a possibility.

I will be going away Wednesday to Friday late.  I am kind of scared, we’ll be going to some kind of retreat and I am not looking forward to it.  If I would be all alone, I would welcome it.   But things happen for a reason and I will try to be reasonable.  More will be revealed as time goes by.  I need all the luck I can have.  

I think I am realizing that I’m not worth much these days.   And yet, I’ve been trying hard, there has been a lot of work done already, it has been hard but fun too. There is a lot more to be done, but I have to work on the fear that doesn’t leave me.  I go three steps, and then go back two.  It’s hard work.   But you know what, I will get there and sooner than I think!

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